A Story of Coloured Ink
by Raven Shadowrose
Summary: Hannah is doing some thinking about her life and her tattoos. This is a companion piece to the stories Moving On, The Ties That Bind, and To Catch a Falling Star.


**Title: A Story of Coloured Ink**

**Author: Raven Shadowrose**

**Rating: T**

**Summary: Hannah is thinking about her life and her tattoos and what they mean to her**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from Casualty, any original characters are my property. I do not give permission for this story to be used by anyone**

**A/N: Contains some mention of female/female relationships, if you don't like it then don't read.**

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There are some days that I sit in the house that I share with Dixie, it is nice to just stop and think sometimes. Everyone has experiences in their life that makes them the person that they are, we grow through these experiences and sometimes we change because of them. The most recent change in my life is having the twins and becoming a mother to them. I am so lucky to have the twins and Dixie, she is everything that I have ever wanted in a partner. I love her and she loves me, that is all that I need to know. Dixie has given me the love that I have been looking for in my life, she is an amazing woman. There are people out there that have tried to label me as bisexual, gay, a dyke, a lesbian, confused, or just plain wrong. I don't care what people want to call me, I know that I love Dixie, that is all that matters to me. I know that people don't understand our relationship, or how two women can raise children together. Our children have everything that they need; we feed them, clothe them, bathe them, play with them, and read to them. The most important part of all of this is that we love them, we make sure that the twins know that they are loved. Our children won't ever go without a cuddle when they need one, we will always be there for them to give them a hug. I know that we won't ever let them feel unloved.

The twins being born has given me time to reflect on everything that has happened in my life to bring me here. I was quite a late developer as a teenager, a lot of the girls in my year group had started their periods when they were about thirteen, I was almost fifteen before I got my first period. I was quite shy when it came to being around people, most of them just thought that I was a snob. I kept to myself a lot, I was confused at the time, very much so actually. Every teenager gets a crush on someone, I had one on another girl, it scared me at the time. I tried my hardest to put it down to hormones and puberty. I thought that it was just a phase that I was going through. I decided that I would focus on school and getting the grades that I needed to go to college. I thought that if I focused on something else then I would be able to forget all about the feelings that I had been having. I thought that I would be able to put my attraction to other girls aside.

I worked just as hard through college, anything to keep away the feelings that had started to develop inside me. I found myself looking at girls just as much as I looked at guys. I found it hard to socialise with the other teenagers that were on my courses. I tried my hardest to keep my head down and work hard. I thought that if I concentrated on my work then my feelings would go away. I didn't want anyone to find out, I had heard the others calling gay people names and insulting them. I was afraid that they would find out that I was questioning my sexuality and that I would become their target. Teenagers can be mean, especially to those that are different. I was different enough, I had started to wear band shirts and heavy boots, that was enough to get me labelled as a goth. Some of them shouted nasty names at me in the corridors of the college. I just ignored the people that wanted to call me names, they soon got fed up when I didn't respond to them. As time went on, I focused on my exams and tests that were coming my way. I had my exams to think about, I wanted to pass them all, I wanted to become a paramedic, I wanted to help people, just like my dad.

Things changed when I went to university, my feelings for women resurfaced and they were stronger than ever. I had days when I struggled with my feelings, I felt guilty about desiring other women. James became my confidante, he had always been my best friend, I talked to him about my feelings and my needs. He was always there when I needed someone to talk to, whenever I needed a hug or a shoulder to cry on. James didn't view me any differently, he often brought me chocolate when I needed it. There were plenty of times that we talked until the early hours whenever we weren't at an early morning lecture. He didn't try to change me or convince me that I was just going through a phase, he was there for me when I needed him. James helped me to feel normal at a time when I was struggling with myself, he encouraged me to join a social group that was for lesbian and bisexual women. He really helped me out, I am so grateful for everything that James did to help me out during the bad times. James was my rock, I remember the times that helped me with fondness, he is the best type of friend that any person could ask for.

I met Michelle a few months into my first year at university, she came to the social group a few times, and one evening we got talking. I was still confused, still struggling with the feelings that I was having for women. There were times that I was afraid of myself and everything that I felt. I met up with Michelle a few times outside of the social group, we went for coffee and shopped for clothes like everyone else. I talked to her a lot about my feelings, she listened to me without judging me. Michelle knew that I wasn't out, she didn't try to push me into outing myself to anyone. One evening after we had been to see a film, Michelle came back to my room on the campus. She told me that she had seen me around a few times, that she had always wanted to approach me. I was the reason that she had gone to the group in the first place. I was surprised, the thought hadn't entered my mind that Michelle might have been attracted to me. I barely remembered anything that I said after she told me that. Once I finished talking, Michelle kissed me, it surprised me, I hadn't expected her to make a move on me. Her lips were soft as they touched mine, I still remember the spark that I felt when I kissed her back. It felt as if everything made sense to me, as if my desires and needs were normal, because she shared them too.

It was after that kiss that we started dating, Michelle made me feel that it was okay to be myself, she made me feel normal. I started to embrace my sexuality, to listen to what I needed, what I wanted. I vowed that I wouldn't ever make myself feel bad about falling in love with a woman, there are plenty enough people out there willing to try and make me feel bad about it. Michelle was very patient with me, she never pushed me into sleeping with her. Our kissing progressed into touching and caressing each other. Our relationship moved slowly until the weekend that my house mate went away. We'd watched a film together, had something to eat, we cuddled up together in my bed. By this point, I had experimented with Michelle, she was slowly teaching me what it felt like to be with someone. I felt her lips on my neck, her hands moved over and then under my pyjama top. She asked me if I wanted her to stop, I said no, I wanted her, I needed her. We made love to each other, it was everything that I had ever wanted from a woman.

I woke up with Michelle lying on top of me the following morning, she was awake, she just looked at me for a few moments. I felt different, she had shown me that making love to a woman wasn't filthy or disgusting. She'd shown me how beautiful it could be. We just lay in bed together for most of the morning. After that Michelle was a frequent visitor to my room whenever she had a spare moment. I grew in confidence and I felt more settled in my own skin. I am grateful to her for everything that she taught me during the months that we were together.

We had been dating for a few months when Michelle told me that she was leaving the university, she was finding it hard to stay on her course. She didn't try to convince me to leave, she told me that I had to stay as I would make a wonderful paramedic one day. I understood that she was letting me go because she wanted me to have the best in life. I know that she had struggled with her decision to leave, I was the main reason that she had stayed for so long. It hurt to let her go, but I had to, she wouldn't let me leave the university. She told me that one day I would find someone and that they would be very lucky to have me. I don't remember what I said, I think that I was too emotional at the time. James was there for me, he brought me ice cream and chocolate, he was my rock again when I needed him the most. With James' help I went to classes each day, I kept on working hard. I knew that Michelle would want me to pass the year and I wanted to make her proud of me. It was because of her that I got my cherry blossom tattoo, a reminder to live my life and make the most of every chance that came my way.

I had made the decision to come out to my parents when I went home after my first year at university. I waited until after we had eaten and then I told them, I just came out with it. Somehow my mother already knew about it. It turned out that one of her friends had seen me with Michelle and had told her about it. She was furious, she started talking about a course of treatment that could turn me into a straight woman. My dad flat out refused to let me go to it, they argued for a long time over it. When all of the shouting had finished, my dad came to see me in my room. I was scared of what he would say, he just hugged me and told me that he was proud of me for being so brave. I remember him telling me that he just wanted me to be happy, that he just wanted me loved and cared for. I was relieved that he still loved me, that he was still my dad. He promised to support me no matter what, a promise that he has kept to this day.

That led to my second tattoo, a raven in flight at the base of my back, to show that I am proud of who I am. I went back to university, I passed my course and I became a technician at the local ambulance station. I worked hard with David to get the necessary training towards being a paramedic. David became a good friend to me, he supported me and helped me when I needed it. With his help I passed the paramedic exam, I am so grateful to him for all of the help that he gave me. I added to my tattoos in the time that I was working in Whitby, I chose things that meant a lot to me, that told the story about where I had been. The guardian angel I got in honour of all of the people that had helped me in my life, the people that had watched over me and guided me through my life. The dragon I got to remind myself that I had promised to protect people and help them whenever I could. Then came the pentagram, I got it to show myself that I am a spiritual and a physical being, that I am not one without the other. The butterflies I got after a patient of mine died, I got it to show that there is a part of us that lives on after death. David was there for me after I lost her, he hugged me and took me home. He helped me to see that I had done everything that I could for her, that it wasn't my fault. I owe a lot to that man, he is a good man, I wish that there were more people like him in this world.

I asked for a transfer half a year after I became a paramedic, David helped me to get the job at Holby. That transfer brought me to the woman that I fell in love with, to the woman that became my wife. She's just Dixie, I don't know how else to describe her, she's a wonderful mother to our children. I know that I couldn't ask for a better wife. I have some more tattoos because of her, the date that we got married is forever etched on my skin. The date that our children were born is just below it. The tattoos remind me of the commitment I made to the woman that makes my life better just by being in it, and to the children that were born from our love. I also found good friends when I moved to Holby; Jeff, Polly, Cyd, and Emilie. I love them all dearly, they are my second family. My life is complete, I have all of the people that I love around me. My dad moved to Holby for good after the twins were born, I am so happy that he is here with us.

I know something, love shouldn't have a label, I don't know what my label is and I don't care. I love Dixie and she loves me, we love our children and that is all we need to know. The tattoos on my body tell a story, the story of how I went through life and found the love that completes me. I know that Dixie likes my tattoos, she sometimes just looks at them and traces them with her fingers. She knows my story, I know hers too, every bit of it. I sometimes get her to tell me the story of how she fell in love with me, it makes me smile. I am glad that she had the courage to tell me how she felt about me, that she let me into her life. Love is love, it is beautiful, no matter what the gender of the people involved. I won't let anyone tell me that the love that I share with Dixie is disgusting, it isn't, it's wonderful. She is my wife, I am loyal to her, I care for her, that is a beautiful thing. I wish that more people had the chance to know what real love feels like.


End file.
